Weed, Waterfalls, and Wes Bentley: Coach Bryan Unplugged and Unhinged

SNC: As a first-time head coach, what skills will you take from your former job as Joe Burrow's cleat cleaner? How will those skills prepare you for being the head coach for Arkansas State?

Coach Bryan: I’ve had plenty of time learning from the greatest quarterback of all time, Joe Burrow. While Joe Burrow may not have the greatest facial hair ever, the rest of the Arkansas team will, and that’s a promise. I know some teams are claiming they’re going to have grit, but really, Arkansas State is going to be the grittiest team out there.

SNC: Is there any chance he could be one of your assistants when he inevitably gets hurt and misses the rest of the season?

Coach Bryan: He would be welcome at any point this season; however, he’ll be busy winning a Super Bowl, so I don’t know why you’re asking these slanderous questions.

SNC: Fair enough. Let us continue. What was your most significant selling point in taking the Arkansas State job? And what is your ultimate goal for the Red Wolves?

Coach Bryan: Chipper chipper bus for my Red. Championship or bus for my Red Wolves. I was brought in here to do one job, and I plan on accomplishing it. The Fun Belt is the Fun Belt. We’re going to have fun, but we’re also going to win. That’s my number one goal. I also have great facial hair. Also, I’m using text-to-speech, so forgive any grammatical errors.

SNC: Don't worry; grammatical errors will be corrected. A very well-thought-out and clear message, coach. You're saying fun and winning, but the Red Wolves have only been to one bowl game in the past four seasons. What will be your number one priority to ensure you win and have fun?

Coach Bryan: The number one formula for winning is using the pistol formation. If we run the pistol 80% of the time, we will win 80% of the time. If we run it 100% of the time, we will win 100% of the time. That’s the key.

SNC: What’s your biggest selling point for recruits to pick Arkansas State and decide to move to Jonesboro?

Coach Bryan: 2 W’s. Weed and Waterfalls. What more could a recruit want? I’m not sure. Also, we are home to the #31445 most famous person on famousbirthdays.com, Wes Bentley. He played the artistic Ricky Fitts in the 1999 Oscar-winning film American Beauty. His acting in The Four Feathers, Ghost Rider, and My Big Break earned him some more fame, and he should win us huge recruits with his support.

SNC: Year 1 features some tough opponents, Michigan, Iowa State, and Tulsa. But otherwise, a fairly favorable schedule. What are your expectations going into year 1?

Coach Bryan: Expectations? 0 players arrested for any reason, 0 players hurt, and 13 wins. That includes a fun belt championship against Jacob Clayton and the cowardly coastal Carolina. If we aren’t in the playoffs, I’m going to have to rethink my time at Arkansas State. We have high expectations this year and I plan to live up to them. We scored 45.9 points in wins last years and if we score 46 every game we probably win every game.

SNC: Now, that is some confidence, and you love to see it. But are you not worried that you are setting expectations too high, Coach?

Coach Bryan: A question to answer your question, Mr. Robinson, is it? How do you expect to win 13 games if you don’t expect to win 13 games? Realistic expectations? Never heard of her! Next!

SNC: Can’t argue with that. I believe that is all the questions I have for you, Coach. I appreciate the time, and I am looking forward to the next interview.

Coach Bryan: I love you.

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In what could only be described as a uniquely offbeat interview, Coach Bryan brought his own brand of charisma and quirkiness to the table. From bold predictions about facial hair superiority to unconventional recruiting pitches involving weed and waterfalls, it's clear he's injecting some personality into the Red Wolves' program. Despite seeming a tad distracted (perhaps pondering the intricacies of the pistol formation or contemplating the next great Hollywood recruit), Coach Bryan's enthusiasm for transforming Arkansas State into a powerhouse was palpable. Whether his methods involve winning games or searching for Wes Bentley's endorsement, one thing's for sure: this season in Jonesboro promises to be anything but ordinary.